Gentlemen, we sit at the end of week 4 and upon the cusp of week 5. I believe these brief weekly interludes should be considered opportunities to ruminate upon the lessons we might glean from our weekly contests.

There is so much more going on beyond the all-important wins and losses that accompany our games. The opportunity to reflect upon these maybe-lessons-learned is particularly important this week, in my opinion. In the aftermath of last week’s outcomes, some of us might likely be abject. He might likely be bleakly staring down the barrel of a ponderous pendulum. This pendulum might likely recoil back, as jilted expectations careen and delusional certitude transmogrifies into a wet, somewhat disappointing backfire of a too familiar malaise with reality.

This would represent a tumultuous fall. It might, that is, for whoever that kind of a characterization may be applicable.

I mean, it would really chap my ass if I was undefeated, claimed I was the undeniable #1 contender for the league championship, insinuated I was some kind of a planetary apex predator, went to another mutually shared league with this article’s writer, changed my team name to intentionally disparage this article’s writer (who he was playing), got doubled up on in points in that match-up, and then lost to (arguably) the worst team in the original league.

Sandro, you silly bitch.

Lol. Okay. Moving on.

Conversely, some of us might be riding a well-deserved wave of euphoria. In the face of ridicule and derision, some of us soldiered on. Defiant of expectations, some among us just simply found a way to win. Perhaps that person overspent for what will ultimately be a temporary solution; perhaps the stratagems of which they were once so proud are defunct; perhaps, in spite of that, in this brief interlude between contests that person can find respite in a win well won, despite next week’s expectations. That sounds pretty nice, for whomever that may apply.

In that vein, I eschew expectations.

Rather than creating a ranking based on the relative merits of each person’s team at this particular point in time, I have decided to judge and rank your team names. Buckle up, bitches.

10. The Machettes (Chris Matchett)

This is easily the worst team name. It’s almost grossly simple. It is insensate in a manner that is almost counterproductive. This name makes me think that maybe you’ve always fantasized about being the lead of singer of band full of clones of you. Your team name has no pun or allusion to the game we’re pretending to

The closest reference I could find to your team name and football is just sad. I’m going to link it here and then make…

Strike that, Chris. After looking ahead to the limited but simple choices some of our peers have : you get a pass. Well done, son. It wouldn’t be called the bare minimum if it wasn’t just enough to get by.

10. Deee Jay Chark Doo doo doo doo (Dustin Lucas)

9. Left Chark (Rabie Elsaadi)

8. Chark Attack (Richard Romeo)

Your team names collectively represent the basest derivation I have personally encountered over the course of six years of playing fantasy football against friends, foes and strangers on the Internet. I have therefore determined you do not merit separate summations. Instead, in the spirit of low effort and even more low hanging fruit which your team names so embody, here you go. I guess. Doo doopy dee dooop.

Dustin – I just… man. I just would have expected more. After meeting you… I don’t know you well enough to say I’m disappointed in your decision to emulate Rabie and Richard. Your usage of “Chark” is a garish form of onomatopoeia. Your team name contains a crass allusion to music, summons images of offal, and binds both to the unfortunate player whose name ties it all together. I won’t say I’m disappointed. I’ll simply insinuate it. 10/10 (last place).

Rabie – Dude. You’re getting married this week. I want to personally thank you for inviting me into this league, and moreso for inviting me to be a part of your life. I want to thank you more for not letting everyone else kick me out next year after they finish this article. You are funny and insightful; you are creative and original; you are kind to everyone you meet and I feel so privileged to call you a friend. 10 years ago (shit, 3 years ago!) I never would have bet on that, and I am so happy that I would have been wrong. I am so happy for you. I sincerely hope we can look forward to good times, good memories, and the occasional written banter like this for decades to come in.

***All of that said, Dustin’s team name is creative in an infantile sort of way and Richard actually has the player on which the pun is based. Your team name is based on a meme that was barely tolerable during its 15 minute period of fame. However, it’s a special week for you, so second-to-last-place it is. 9/10.

Richard – I’m pretty sure you changed your team name after the season started. And this is the name you chose? Seriously? This is the better alternative? Not only is it not that creative, but you and Rabie both chose a “Chark/Shark” motif! There are so many other “Chark”-based puns you could have chosen, like “Chark-boiled egg,” or “Chark-ed, I’m sure.” Or “His Chark is meaner than his bite.” I mean I could go on but those are terrible, and way better than what you put out, so… smh head and moving on. You’re a good guy Richard, but you “Charked the bed” on this one. 8/10.

7. The Machettes (Chris Matchett)

You skated, but the ice was thin. Is it a pun on the weapon or just a lazy reference to your name? The first doesn’t make sense and the latter is almost aggressively redundant. 7/10.

6. Rick Smith and Morty (Bill Sommers)

Alas, my team name, much like my draft strategy, was developed moments before the deadline and poorly conceived. Much like my two TE strategy – it worked once, but that was like five years ago and no one understands why I’ve used it again. #BoomRoasted. 6/10.

5. X gonna GIVE it to ya (Matt Aubin)

I’m proud that at least one member of our little community is unashamed about the damage inflicted on him by the 90’s.

I honestly don’t hate this name, but the guys ahead of you on this list are either more relevant, more topical, or just a little better put together. What exactly is X gonna give? The ambiguity is a little self-defeating.

But just so you know there’s no hard feelings, X is gonna give ya: The 15 most DMX memories ever: https://www.complex.com/music/2014/08/most-dmx-moments-ever/. 5/10.

4. Zeeeeeke and Destroy (Mike Davidson)

As always, Michael could not help but demonstrate how extra he is when it comes to fantasy football. He could have just used the player’s name as it’s written and achieved the same pun. In my opinion, this would have been a better option just simply because it would be less ostentatious. However, Mike felt the need to hit and keep his hand on the key, albeit for a short and ultimately underwhelming amount of strokes.

That shiiiiiit talking aside, the team name works on a lot of levels. It references the football player’s name. It references the team owner’s military past. More obviously, and more importantly, the team name spells out his intent to win. This name could have backfired on him if Zeke missed games, but he didn’t, so it does not.

It’s a good name. I just think it would have worked better without the extra vowels. 4/10.

3. Once Upn a Time in Hollywood (Sandra Serra)

I already picked on Sandro too much in this article. You kind of deserved it, but sorry dude. Especially for the metaphor…

Good team name. It’s classy, which in my opinion is why it rates so high, despite it being a topical reference. It also references an athlete who is obviously popular in-group, which gets you points. However, typos, intentional or not, cost you points on this list. It’s okay to let people know you don’t take yourself too seriously Sandro, but did you have to sacrifice your principles to get there? 3/10.

2. Another Won #BLESSUP (Adrian Becerra)

This is easily the second best team name. The conversion from “One” to “Won” is a clever pun related to the outcome to which he endeavors, while also obviously alluding to the meme’s progenitor, DJ Khaled. Adrian also doubled down on his team name branding, changing his team logo image to DJ Khaled- another reference. It’s well done and a little over the top, but that’s appropriate because of the reference. For similar reasons, the added #Hashtag is not too much because it is perfectly appropriate when considered within the overall theme.

Just a well done, original team name. Although that opinion might just be the result of juxtaposition, because the rest of us are obviously unoriginal degenerates. So, hey, way to be the coolest kid from the Lord of the Flies.

… Although. Shit. You know what happened to that kid, right? He definitely did not win the championship. #Spoilers. 2/10.

1. MEAN GREEN MACHINE (Joey Summer)

This team name is meant to inspire fear. IT IS IN CAPITAL LETTERS AND DEMANDS ATTENTION. It’s traditional, but that doesn’t mean it’s out of style. It subtlety alludes to other historical, alliterative names used in football (“Purple People Eaters” comes to mind). This is just a solid choice, and represents better judgment than just about everybody else in this league. This is my year one in this league, but I would be disappointed if this is the first year Joey used this team name; honestly, annual use of this name, particularly in the same league, would lend weight to the historical argument. Great team name. Too bad your team sucks. 1/10.

In terms of the actual power rankings: it’s an 8-8 league. The unquestioned front runner just got dusted by the lowest team on the totem pole. My shitty team knocked off another top-5 team. Frankly, no one knows how this season will turn out, boys, so I’m gonna make like Rabie this weekend and just enjoy the ride.