Greetings from the 06010!

Before I get to the rankings today, I wanted to speak to the teams out there who are 0-6, 1-5, and 2-4. I know it must be hard out there and things look bleak fantasy wise right about now.

Fear not thirsty Kyles and Secret Squirrels!

When my teams aren’t doing to well, I like to think back to a particular story, a particular incident. An incident that took place on April 26, 2003 involving a man named Aron Ralston.

Then 27 year old Aron was canyoneering alone in the eastern Utah, just south of the Horseshoe Canyon unit of Canyonlands National Park. While he was coming down  the lower stretches of the slot canyon, a suspended boulder became dislodged while he was climbing down from it. The rock smashed his left hand, then crushed his right hand against the canyon wall, Aron had made the unfortunate decision to not tell anyone  of his hike, also he had no way to call anyone for help.

Assuming that he would die without anyone helping him, he spent the next five days rationing his small amount of remaining water (350 ml), and slowly eating his minimal amount a food (two burritos), while continuously trying to pry his arm out from the boulder. He was up against a 800 lb chockstone that proved far too heavy and far to difficult to overcome. After three days of trying to lift and break the boulder, the then dehydrated and borderline delirious Aron prepared to do the unthinkable. He was preparing to amputate his arm at the mid-forearm in order to live another day. On the fourth day he realized that in order to free his arm he would have to cut through bone. One problem though, young Aron didn’t have the sufficient tools to do so.

The fifth day came and at this point Ralston ran out of food and water. What he did next may shock you, but survival was at stake. Aron Ralston began to drink his own urine. He carved his name, date of birth and presumed date of death into the sandstone canyon wall, and now famously videotaped his last goodbyes to his family. He didn’t expect to survive the night, but as he was attempting to stay warm he began hallucinating and had a vision of himself playing with a child while missing part of his right arm. This was the moment that Aron believed he would live.

After waking at dawn the following day he discovered that his arm had begun to decompose due to the lack of circulation, and became desperate to tear it off. Ralston then had an epiphany that he could break his radius and ulna bones using torque against his trapped arm. He did so, then amputated his forearm with his multi-tool, using the dull two-inch knife and pliers for the tougher tendons. The process took an hour, during which time he used tubing from a CamelBak as a tourniquet, taking care to leave major arteries until last.

After freeing himself, Ralston climbed out of the slot canyon in which he had been trapped, rappelled down a 65-foot sheer wall, then hiked out of the canyon, all one-handed. He was 8 miles from his vehicle, and had no phone. However, after 6 miles of hiking, he encountered a family on vacation from the Netherlands; Eric and Monique Meijer and their son Andy, who gave him food and water and hurried to alert the authorities. Ralston had feared he would bleed to death; he had lost 40 pounds, including 25% of his blood volume. Rescuers searching for Ralston, alerted by his family that he was missing, had narrowed the search down to Canyonlands and he was picked up by a helicopter in a wide area of the canyon. He was rescued approximately four hours after amputating his arm.

Again folks, if you are 0-6, 1-5, or 2-4 remember to persevere, remember Arons story of never giving up. You could be staring at 2-4 and beginning to carve your name, date of birth and date of death into the sandstone canyon wall. Don’t do it, make some trades, scour the waiver wire because you never know what you’re capable of when your back is against the wall (literally).

With that lets get to the Hate/Love! You get it by now. This is not a start/sit but rather whom I think will meet and/or exceed projections (“loves”) and who I believe will fall short (“hates”). Thanks as always to “Thirsty” Kyle Soppe of the Fantasy Focus 06010 podcast, Wikipedia, and The Stat-A-Pillar, Damian Dabrowski, from The Fantasy Show on ESPN+ for their help at various points in this column.

TEAMS I HATE FOR WEEK 7 AND BEYOND.

10. MEAN GREEN MACHINE (1-5)

Joey Bowl, The Shamgod, USS Washington, Stepien Rule, Tom Brady Tuck rule. Sometimes things are named after accomplishing great things. Other times they are named after futility. Joey, my friend, yours falls into the futile category. 550.6(10th out of 10) points scored this year, the next person is 116.9 points away from you. Your team is decently constructed but you need more heavy hitters. Middle of the road players such as JuJu (ranked 42) and Royce Freeman (ranked 26) won’t get it done. Lev Bell and Devonta Freeman are disappointments to where they were likely drafted and have underperformed. As the old saying goes “theres always next year!’.

 

9. Rick Smith and Morty (3-3)

Bill, If this was a competition for great names, you’d be a lot higher on this list. Unfortunately we are talking about your actual fantasy team. Points scored is 667.5 (9th out of 10) and points scored on is 766.7 (2nd out of 10). One can look at your team and say your demise would be the utter lack of running back talent. (“Dirty” Duke Johnson?) I think that take is lazy and tired. I believe that a little bit of bad luck on draft night coupled with your team getting scored on like the late 80’s Denver Nuggets might be your undoing. Your only saving grace is Lamar Jackson (ranked 3), Adam Thielen (ranked 6) and Travis Kelce ((ranked 2). Hopefully the fantasy gods will grace you with more favorable opponents although I wouldn’t count on it.

 

8. Injury Proned (2-4)

Family Man. Actor. Thesbian. Real estate mogul. A man of many talents but Fantasy football may not be one of them. 8th in total points scored just won’t get the job done. Your team resembles your QB, over 300 yards passing every game but not much help any where else. A top 3 tight end is nice, especially this year, but again not quite enough overall. 4th most points allowed isn’t doing you any favors either. If I were you I would package some of those wide receivers for a rb2 or rb3. Old man Gore can’t hold up much longer with a more talented, electric running back waiting in the wings. The positive is you have a nice keeper in Jacobs. Persevere and keep your head up, Like Aron, injuries can be overcome.

 

7. Another Won #BLESSUP (3-3)

They don’t want you to win! With your situation at the running back position this week, congratulations! you played your self. With 681.7 (7th out of 10) the reining champ may have a tough time coming up with points consistently to defend his title. That 3-3 record is a bit deceiving seeing that you are 8th in points scored against. Your team defense is the equivalency to Rudy Gobert, unfortunately as stated above so is your offense. You have a top 10 QB, 2 top 11 RBS, and 2 top 20 WRS. You also traded away the number 1 overall wide receiver for the number 9 ranked TE. Adrian, my old friend, I think theres only one thing left for you to do to have a chance to compete this year. What would that be? #Callgod

 

6. The Machettes (3-3)

Saquan Barkley, Melvin Gordon, Tom Brady, Nick Chubb, Odell Beckham Jr, and the fantasy MVP New England Patriot defense. With all that fire power, why do I have you right outside my love list? Points scored. Thats the theme for you kids paying attention in the back. 700 points scored (6th out of 10) and 673.9 points allowed (10th out of 10). They say points scored is talent based and points allowed is luck based, if thats the case it may look like your luck may run out. With those metrics you should have 5 wins by now at least. What you have in your favor is a healthy Barkley coming back along with Melvin getting more acclimated as the season goes on. But Id venture to say like Odell Beckham, your best days maybe behind you.

 

TEAMS I LOVE FOR WEEK 7 AND BEYOND

 

5. Dee Jaay Chark Doo doo doo doo (3-3)

If it wasn’t for your week 2 point total of 99.9 you’d join Zeke and Destroy as the only 2 teams that have scored at least triple digits every week. You boast four (4!) top 25 running backs, the number one QB and league leader in touchdowns thrown (tied at 17, more on that later in the article) and a top 8 wide receiver! You also have scored 743.3 points this season which is good for 5th out of 10. Points allowed is almost middle of the road at 6th out of 10 (737.1) The reason I don’t have you higher is your tight ends aren’t great and outside of Julio Jones you have no reliable receiver. I highly recommend shopping one of those running backs for some wide out help. You are one trade away from being in serious contention of the title.

 

4. Once in Hollywood (4-2)

Ouch. That sound you heard early Thursday evening? The collective hearts of Mahomes owners breaking nationwide. I originally had you and Snacks flipped but after losing the Steph Curry of football for at least 3 weeks, I had to place you at 4. Not all is lost though good chum! You are one of 3 teams to join the 800 club through 6 weeks(good for 3rd out of 10), you have the best running back not named Christian McCaffrey and the best defense not named New England. It must be bittersweet to get Hill back but lose Patty cakes though. We do need to talk about the bench. What do you get when you have middling running backs mixed with mediocre handcuffs and meh wide recievers? Sandros bench. I do like Pollard and if one of Barber or Jones do get hurt, you may have something. By playoff time you will be right in the mix and have a great chance to get to get back to the championship round.

 

3. Zeeeeeke and Destroy (4-2)

The man with the best overall running back core in the league and the only person who can say they’ve scored triple digits every week this season. You have 5 running backs who are top 20 ( along with 3 of them in the top 7! Cooper Kupp has emerged as the number 4 overall wide receiver, you seem to have gotten much needed TE help AND a bills defense who has averaged 10.2 a week for you. Your team is looking like a snack with all that talent and balance you possess. The only nitpick would be to upgrade that wide receiver core and then nothing will stop you! (Nothing besides the 2 teams coming up next in these rankings)

 

2. Get Wins or Die Tryin’ (or whatever the hell you want to call your self this week) (3-3)

Well well well how the turn tables have turned. After starting 1-3 you now pulled up your boot straps and fought all the way back to a respectable 3-3. The second most points scored through 6 weeks (837.2) and the most scored against (804). You my friend are the definition of resilient. Your record doesn’t do you justice to how dominating you’ve been this season. You’ve had the second highest total points for a week (189.9), the hottest quarterback not named Russell Wilson (also tied for most TDs thrown), the best receiving core in the league, best bench, the most balanced team this year and a top 5 defense. You look ahead and utilize the waiver wire and anticipate the needs of your team. You even had a signature Rabie trade for the first time in a couple of seasons! The only issue I have is your running backs are only slightly above average. Fear not though! You carry the best handcuffs in the league( Mattison and Edmunds) and have a monster running back ready to break out! (Singletary). All of this not to mention a QB-WR combo who hasn’t touched their potential! Stay the course and stay level headed young padawan. If you do that you be able to (finally) lift that trophy that you so passionately seek.

 

1. X gonna Give it to ya (4-2)

The only person this season to join the ever exclusive 200+ points-in-one-week-club. The best rookie season since Randy Moss in 1998, the total point leader (880.2) and the man who has by far the best running back in fantasy football. 2 time Chipotle High Scorer of the week winner. The number one tight end in football isn’t Travis Kelce or Zach Ertz (sorry Bill). Its Austin Hoooooooooper! Matt you have came in here and made all of us take notice. You also have the number 2 overall WR (Michael Thomas). You seem to be on the fast track to reaching the championship round, and also anticipate needs ahead of time to stay ahead of the game. The only issue I have is your team is top heavy and the bench is absolutely atrocious. If you don’t face any major injuries, you should be the last man (or two) standing. Welcome to your first of many years in our ultra competitive and fun league.