Welcome to this week’s list of Most Deadly Animals. Let’s get started:
10. Joey the Sloth
Like the Sloth, Joey’s team is off to the races. What can you say about a Sloth? It moves through life without a purpose, with little urgency to reach its destination. How an animal like that has survived in nature is inexplicable. Just like the Sloth, Joey puts in a remarkably uninspired performance year after year. He always has too many Jets on his team and then can’t understand why he gets shamed so often. There is a reason we call it the Joey bowl. Thank you for being you, Joey.
9. Bill the Donkey
Donkeys are pretty harmless, just like Bill’s team. But unlike a Sloth, every now and then a Donkey will kick a poor careless bastard in the head… cough* Richard* cough. Only a jackass would leave a draft without a serviceable running back on this roster. But hey, at least you have 2 really good Tight Ends.
8. Richard the Golden Retriever
Richard, I love you. I can’t say a bad thing about you. Just like a Lab, you are a good friend and loyal companion. On the list of most deadly animals, you sir, are not very deadly. You lost to a Donkey. But hey, dogs are descendants of wolves, so there’s a killer in there somewhere. To be honest though, I hate your team. Nothing stands out. Just ok all around. It’s fitting that Matt Ryan is your QB because that’s how I feel about your team. You’re one good player away from being relevant, and you’re one injury away from getting butt fucked by a Sloth.
7. Dustin the Owl
Owls are nasty. They’ll fuck up a sloth or a baby golder retriever. Owls are also monocle wearing nerds. Owls are dangerous and little bitches. Dustin’s team is something like that. On paper, there’s a lot to like and fear on this roster. If you’re a bad team, you don’t want to run into Dustin in a dark alley. Having said that, if you’re a big boy like some of the teams coming up, he’s easy work.
6. Adrian the Chimp
Adrian, you shit slinger. Chimps are clever. One second they are finger painting in the park, and then you turn around and all of a sudden, they are ripping a lady’s face off. Adrian NEVER has a great team on paper. Adrian is the clever Chimp that will keep you feeling safe until the last second when pulls a fast one on you. I can’t rank you higher than 6th. Your team isn’t that good. But I always have an eye on you little monkey.
5. Chris the Dolphin
Dolphins are commonly referred to as the Rapists of the Sea. Dolphins are smart, they have sex for pleasure, and in captivity they’ll fuck up a trainer. Besides giving off the biggest rape vibes in our league, I don’t know if you really resemble Dolphins much, but fuck it, on my list, that’s what you are. You lost Saquan and then immediately got Melvin back. If you get into the playoffs, you’ll be tough to beat. It’s fortunate for all of us that I screwed you out of all your sleeper picks. The raper got raped.
4. Rabie the Hyena
Hyenas are beta predators. They got some scary qualities, but they lack the confidence to ever be taken seriously. Hyenas thrive when times are good, and they coward as soon things get a little dicey. Rabie, my friend, I know you’re probably feeling down cuz you’re off to a bad 1-2 start, but it’s clear that you have a good team. You have one of the highest scoring teams in the league, and I expect you to get things back on track this week.
3. Snacks the Shark
Sharks, the serial killers of the ocean. In the water, you are king. Lets just get to it; you’ve got a top 5 QB, 5-6 good running backs, 5-6 good receivers, and you stream other positions well. In the past you’ve been notoriously top heavy, spending half of your money on 1 or 2 players, but this year you took a quantity over quality approach to your draft, and it shows. Success for you going forwards is going to be about making the right decisions on who to start.
2. Matt the Lion
The king of the jungle. On the land, you are a force. You’ll fuck up all of these bitch ass animals in your sleep. You have a great team. Top to bottom, I don’t see any weakness. You took a minor blow this week with the news of Melvin coming back, but you’ve got depth at the position and there’s no reason to hit the panic button. I expect to see you as one of the last few teams standing.
1. Sandro the Human
The king of the planet. The Human is lightyears ahead of all other animals on the food chain. Humans capture and put all of the other animals on this list in cages, and we take our kids to go see them. Its not really close. If Humans wanted to, they could genetically mate a lion and a sloth, and feed that new species to a monkey, and then feed that monkey to shark. Humans rule the earth, and Sandro rules this league. Best QB, Best WR, Best RB, 2nd best TE, 3rd best RB, 2nd best WR sitting in IR chomping to come back. Humans rule. I rule.