Good Morning Vietnam!
I’m Michael Scott and for the next 45 minutes I will be taking you on a tour through League by Example. Webster’s dictionary defines football as a table game resembling soccer in which the ball is moved by manipulating rods to which small figures of players are attached. All of you are the rods in my fantasy football.
For those of you that don’t know me, I’m Michael Scott and I’ve been the boss of this fantasy league for many years. I used to sit right out in those standings. I was one of the best. Before the trophies, before the money. I played for the love of the game.
Hello, I’m Michael Scott and I wouldn’t be a good boss if I didn’t know my employees, much like I know your fantasy teams. That’s why I have decided to compare each of your teams with a member of the Dunder Mifflin family for this week’s power rankings.
10. Rick Smith and Morty- Todd Packer
Like Todd, you just appeared in our fantasy lives. Your team is a favorite of mine, but I don’t really know why and no one else seems to like it at all. There are 32 starting RBs in the league and you have the same amount as I do. I’m not even in this league! You should look into my book I’m writing, “Michael’s 10 rules of Fantasy Football”. Rule #1: You need to play to win. But you also have to win to play. This team smells worse than the package you left on my floor years ago.
9. Mean Green Machine- Toby Flenderson
Toby, I hate you. Sometimes I forget you’re even here. Then you just show up from the annex, talking about some trial or god knows what. I’m not even sure how you have hung around this league for so long. Every year your team is so awful. Bias aside, your WRs are not looking so hot. One has to compete with Josh Gordon and AB while the other just lost his QB for the year. It’s not going to get any easier.
8. Congrats U Played Urself- Ryan Howard
Ryan just thinks he’s so smart, but what happened to Ryan when he went to corporate? He got in over his head. Sounds just like someone who won it all and forgot the basics. You need to head back to Scranton and get your mind right. Especially after losing to the Browns defense! The good news is that not all is lost for this year. There is still a shell of a team if you can put aside the flashy New York life and remember what got you here in the first place.
7. Deee Jaay Chark Doo Doo Doo Doo(Dustin)- Jim Halpert
On paper this team is strong. Bell cow running backs, number one wide outs, a rushing QB that likes to let it fly. One of the best I’ve seen, just like Jim. Come gametime something happens and its like Dwight is distracting your team on one end and Pam on the other. Keep your eyes on the prize and you could go places… possibly all the way to co-manager!
6. Deee Jay Chark Doo Doo Doo Doo(Richard)- Stanley Hudson
This comparison writes itself, am I right? Tell me I’m not the only one that sees it. Both this team and Stanley have been through their share of difficulties. This team is just lucky it wasn’t around during the 60’s. Stanley will tell you. Also lucky was the way you pulled last week’s win out, but it wouldn’t be fantasy without a little luck. We will wait to see if your luck continues.
5. Hateful 8- Dwight Schrute
Easily, without a doubt, the most serious person about this league and that’s saying something because the other 9 take this league pretty seriously. Weed! Deshaun! The Office! How to steal this team’s identity. Being assistant to the regional manager has been wonders for your team. You looked poised to make a deep December run.
4. The Machettes- Robert California
Just like Robert, I have no idea who you really are… Who are the Browns? Where did Robert come from? What is this Giants offense? Where did Robert go? Which Cam will be throwing to DJ all year? You may actually be Robert California for all we know. You have definitely gone skinny dipping with your co-workers a time or two. After last year’s draft you could easily talk half of the league into paying your way to Eastern Europe to “help” female gymnasts.
3. X gonna GIVE it to ya- Angela Martin
Our first woman (that’s what she said!), sorry dude. But your team has the biggest panthers. Angela loves team kitten! Just don’t let Rabie look after your sick one. Cam would end up next to the frozen peas. Cooper and Hooper are even names that Angela probably uses for two of her dozen cats. Hopefully you keep the winning ways up. Angela doesn’t accept failure.
2. Zeeeeeke and Destroy- Danny Cordray
Your team seems to be the new hotness. With that draft why wouldn’t it be? Just like Danny you brought the sales technique everyone wants to copy. You haven’t been here in a couple years though… can you prove you belong with the likes of Jim and Dwight?
1. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood- Jan Levinson
Bitchy, bossy… who else would this team be? “I better be #1 or I’m writing a letter”. Ok, Jan! You have a lot of flash like Jan as well. Mahomes, Tyreke, Cook, but is any of this real? Or fake like Jan’s boobs! You got a lot going for you, but much like Jan I can see a steep fall off on the horizon.