When it comes to self-help books, there are few that can compete with the sustained success of “How to Win Friends and Influence People”. Anyone that has read it and applied it’s strategies will tell you that it’s the real deal.
But that’s for the real world.
We want to win in fantasyland.
If “How to Win Friends” has the keys to success for the real world, and fantasy is the opposite of reality, can we do the 100% opposite of it’s age-old hard-earned advice, and find success in fantasy?
The answer is an emphatic, “Hellyaf!ckingRight!”
Just ask the assholes in my league who will forever hate me for going UNDEFEATED…
Without further adieu…
“How to Win Fantasy and Infuriate People”
# Part One – 3 Ways to Make People Like Your Players
1. Be genuinely interested in their players
You want to win trades right? So everyone needs to know you’re interested in trading. No one is going to give you a player they don’t think you like. You should talk openly about all the players you like. All the time. This is one area of your life where it does not hurt to show your utter desperation. Be thirsty as hell, but..
2. Neg hit like a high school asshole
Backhanded compliments are awesome. It’s a way of saying hey, I’m interested, but I’m gonna keep you on your toes, your not gonna take advantage of me.
In fantasy, this works because you’re acknowledging whatever the player does well, and also the reason why they shouldn’t cost an arm and a leg in a trade.
Here’s an example that works.
“Your boy Will Fuller is killing it with all these touchdowns on so few catches!”
3. Talk up your players, in terms of their needs
Every team has strengths and weaknesses. You should talk up your own players at positions that they need. If they’re weak at running back, tell them how much you like your backup running back. If they got AB and Julio, there’s no point in bringing up your receivers.
Part Two – Four C’s to Drive Your Opponent C-C-C-Crazy
This is only for the week that you’re facing someone. It will make the game more fun, and if you troll hard enough, they might actually outsmart themselves trying to get you.
Criticize their regular starters. Some players are boring. Some are inconsistent. Some are facing tough matchups.
Complain about how lucky they are that X bench player gets such an easy matchup this week.
Compare some starters to their bench players and some bench players to the waiver wire.
Confuse them by not carrying a kicker during the week and not having your starters in the lineup until 10 minutes before kickoff.
Part Three – Win – Win – Win
Win trades with win-win trade proposals
Present all trades as win win, because of bye weeks, or schedules, or because you really want them to beat so-and-so this week.
Win the waiver by having more open spots and taking more chances.
“But… The number of roster spots are set?” I hear your brain struggling with. How many kickers, how many defenses, how many qbs do you have? The answer for defenses and Qbs is 1. The answer for kickers is 0, until just before gametime.
Win the games and win your league with dumb luck
Do everything above to give yourself the best chance, but be prepared to lose because